


Self-Reflection

by lesbiankido (RinPaRin)



Category: Kagerou Project
Genre: Awkward Crush, Canon typical sexual content (meaning Shintaro's kinda a perv), Ene gets mentioned, Hibiya is 12, I have no idea how to tag. It's my f-first time... please... be gentle, Internalized Homophobia in later chapters, Konoha is gay, Konoha kinda realizes he's gay but he doesn't have a solid grasp on what a crushis, M/M, Multiple chapters lol, Shin is in denial, Swearing, konoshin, lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-17 14:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13661169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RinPaRin/pseuds/lesbiankido
Summary: Konoha and Shintaro have a crush on each other. Neither of them realize it. The whole situation is very, very uncomfortable. Hibiya's there.





	1. Chapter 1

Konoha stared at him.

     He was asleep, on the couch, curled up just enough that he could comfortably sit on the other side. It didn’t occur to Konoha that there may be something creepy about staring at a sleeping person (that he barely knew?) but a part of him understood the situation was uncomfortable. If he had some kind of frame of reference, he probably would have been able to tell why, but unfortunately no such thing existed so he just sort of watched him. He looked sort of peaceful, like this, instead of angry or annoyed or scared like he usually did. It was nice.

     He heard a noise as  _ someone  _ entered the room. He looked up to see it was Hibiya, who was quite possibly the worst person to walk in on him at that point, but Konoha didn’t realize that because he doesn’t really understand the concept of jealousy or grudges or anything, having never experienced it himself. So, he went back to what he was doing, though a small part of him that he didn’t understand or even really register was embarrassed. Hibiya sat in a chair nearby.

“... What the hell are you doing?”

“Nothing, really.”

Hibiya shut his mouth and shifted in the chair like he was uncomfortable.

Konoha resumed staring at him, though he was trying to be a bit more subtle about it. He kinda wanted to touch him, but for some reason the thought was objectionable.  _ It’s not like I’m going to hurt him… _

He scooted over until he was barely leaning on him and  _ very very gently _ placed a hand on his side. Shintaro didn’t seem to react, so he figured there was no problem.

“Alright, really, what the hell are you doing?”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re- You-!” Hibiya seemed frustrated.

“Are you ok?”

“Am  _ I _ ok?” 

“... Yes, are  _ you  _ ok.”

Hibiya sighed annoyedly. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“That’s good.”

     Konoha didn’t realize it, but he was blushing, just slightly. Konoha didn’t realize much. He didn’t realize where he came from, or that he wasn’t human, but that was to be expected. He didn’t realize he had a crush on Shintaro, but that was a bit less spectacular and something that a lot of people realized on a daily basis. Not on Shintaro, specifically, of course. That'd be weird, especially since he had a lot of weird fetishes and a Vitamin D deficiency.

“Hey, Konoha,” Hibiya looked uncomfortable, but that seemed to be his default state.

“Yes?”

“Do you, um…” He shifted around nervously. “Do you like girls?”

“... Yes, of course I like girls.”

“Oh, ok.”

“A lot of my friends are girls. You’ve met them.”

“Oh no.”

Konoha wasn’t particularly interested in the conversation, but he didn’t have many better things to do. He wasn’t sure why Hibiya looked so distressed, but he didn’t seem to be hurt. “Is something wrong?”

“I meant…” Hibiya hesitated. “Do you  _ like  _ like girls.”

“ _ Like  _ like?”

“ _ Like  _ like.”

“Is that different from normal like…?”

Shintaro had been awake for about a minute, and he deeply regretted it.  _ Oh my god _ , he thought.  _ You dumbass. _

“Yeah, it’s like… where you wanna like, um…”

“Wanna what?”

“Like, do you want to kiss girls? Do you wanna get married?”

Konoha sat silently. “I never really thought about it.”

“So you don’t?”

“Maybe.”

Shintaro sat up, abruptly. Hibiya and Konoha both seemed surprised. “Oh my god, he’s asking if you’re gay.” The conversation was uncomfortable to begin with, and there was something really... unsettling about a 12 year old telling a grown man what "like like" means.

Konoha was silent.

“If you don’t know what gay means, I’m going to kill myself.”

Konoha must have thought he was serious, because he suddenly looked very distressed.

“... I was joking.”

Konoha didn’t look particularly sure, but relaxed considerably anyway.

Shintaro breathes a sigh of exasperation. “I’m going to put this in the most blunt, simplistic terms possible. Would you like to be romantically or sexually involved with men,” which was definitely a question but the way he spoke made it sound like a statement.

“Why are you asking me?”

Oh.

Why  _ were  _ they asking him?

Shintaro, who was asleep and could not know about the watching-and-touching business, quickly turned to Hibiya, who did know and looked like he would much rather be somewhere else.

“H-he um, Konoha, I mean, he…” Hibiya looks away, trying to find an excuse not to tell him, because the whole situation was very uncomfortable and would probably be embarrassing for all three of them.

Shintaro began to wonder if it was a good or bad thing that his phone was charging in another room, because, obnoxious as she was, Ene would be more than happy to tell Shintaro what was going on if it would cause him sufficient embarrassment, which he ultimately would have preferred to Hibiya stumbling over something probably insignificant, because when you’re twelve these things seem a lot more important or embarrassing than they are.

“He touched y-your…”

His  _ what? _

“Your side.”

“My side.”

“... Yeah.”

“Is that… all he did?”

“And he looked at you!”

Shintaro just stared at him for a bit before sighing. Between the two of them…

Shintaro gets up and moves to where Hibiya is sitting. “Hibiya.”

“Y-yes?”

“What the  _ fuck.” _

Hibiya looks ashamed of himself. He wasn’t entirely sure what he did wrong, being twelve, but it was something, and he was already too embarrassed to really say anything back.

“I’m… sorry, about that whole ordeal. Konoha.”

“I decided the answer is yes.”

“What the  _ fuck. _ ”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I project my internalized homophobia onto Shintaro, and Shintaro in turn projects it on to Ene.  
> AKA, Shintaro doesn't know what bisexuality is (not that I matters to him, OBVIOUSLY.)  
> Also ditched the indents because what's the point.

_ What the fuck _ .

He was still mulling over all of that. It had been a couple days ago, and he wasn’t sure why he cared so much, but he was still thinking about it anyway. He chalked it up to surprise. He just didn’t consider the possibility of Konoha actually saying yes. I mean, it wasn't something you expect. Not a lot of gay people are out there, for obvious biological reasons, so he had every right to be surprised.

“Hey, I’m gonna go shopping with Danchou-san. Want anything?”

Shintaro jerked back. He had almost forgot about Momo.

_ Wait. _

_ Momo’s gay, too. _

Was he this surprised when he found about her? No, he decided, but he had kind of suspected it for a long time anyway. Momo never showed any interest in boys to begin with, and she would always talk about girl groups in a way that seemed a bit too much for just fangirlism-

“Are you alright? I said, we’re going shopping. Do you want anything?”

“I, uh… yeah, I’m fine. Is Ene going with you?”

“Nah. I told her it was a date, so I wanted it to just be me and Danchou-san.”

“Pff. How considerate of her.”

“She’s really nice, to people who aren’t gross shut ins who make her call them 'master’.”

Shintaro made an undignified snort. “I’ve told her to stop! I think it's creepy!”

“Hmm,” Momo smiles teasingly. “You still haven’t answered the question. Want anything?”

“I’m good, thanks. Actually- wait, could you pick up some rabbit food?”

“That’s a pain. I’ll get you something small.”

“Why’d you ask then? Just don’t get me anything!”

“Alrighty then! See you!”

“Bye.”

When it was Momo, he didn't really care. She was his little sister, it wasn’t like he cared who she dated. As long as they weren’t the shady type. Or using her. Or a pervert. … That being said, maybe it was better that she only liked girls. 

When it was Kido, he didn’t care either. They barely knew each other, and besides, he thought she was a boy the first time they met. In fact, she was exactly the type you’d  _ expect _ to like have lesbian inclinations.

Konoha wasn’t related to him, and he was definitely a guy. It wasn’t like he was the next Mr. Universe, Shintaro didn’t like those types anyway, but his demeanor didn’t really say “gay” to him. Shintaro decided this was why he cared so much, before realizing he had just considered what kind of guys he liked.  _ Aesthetically,  _ he justified.  _ I don’t like that type of guy. Aesthetically. _

“Alright, you’ve been staring into space since little sister left, and before that too. It’s starting to creep me out.”

Shintaro realized with a start Ene had been silent the entire time. “What, I’m not allowed to think?”

“No, you’re not,” Ene crossed her arms. “But that’s not the point. You’re making some weird expressions, Master. Not  _ weird _ expressions like you usually do, just weird.”

“I’m doing some… self reflection.”

Ene snorted. “On what? Have you finally decided to get a job?”

“Absolutely not.*

“So what, then?”

“Um…” He can’t exactly tell her 'I found out this dude I’ve only known a few days is gay, and for some reason this matters to me’. “Hey, Ene, have you ever had a crush on someone?”

Why the hell did he have to say it like that? Ene immediately perked up. “Oh- y-you have…” She was holding back laughter. “A c-crush?”

“N-no! I just- I was curious.”

“ _ Sure. _ ”  She giggles in a manner so obnoxious it has to be intentional.

Shintaro is very close to turning the computer off and heading out his room when Ene actually answers. “Yeah, once. I guess.”

“How’d you know? When you had one, I mean?”

Ene pauses to think. “I didn’t, I guess. Still not sure, really. Emotions are confusing and all that, ya know? But, I guess… I liked being around them? I wanted to know more about them? I cared a lot more about what they thought than I did other people?”

“Huh.” They’re both silent, for a moment.

“So, who’ve you got a crush on?” Ene seemed more eager to end the discomfort that came with silence than actually knowing who he liked. Though, she was very interested in that, too.

“I told you,” Shintaro says with a sight. “ _ No one. _ ”

“But it’s gotta be someone, right, Master? Or you wouldn’t’ve asked!” Ene had spent a year alone with Shintaro. She knew him well enough to at least gather  _ that. _

Shintaro gives Ene an exasperated look before shifting to balance his chin on his hand. “I’m just asking because I’ve never really had a crush before. It’s a perfectly reasonable question.”

Ene huffed. “Well, fine, then. Since Master clearly doesn’t want to say who he has a crush on, I’ll just watch him very closely until I figure it out.”

“Thanks.”

The silence returned, and it almost seemed to be choking them, preventing them from breaking it. 

_ God damn it. _

_ I just had to tell  _ Ene.

_ Ene, of all people! _

He made a promise to himself to be more careful in the future about what kind of pages he visited in the future. If Ene thought he was gay- which he wasn’t- she would never let him live it down.  _ 'Pff, Master? You’re the kind to take it instead of give it? Pathetic!’ _

… Nevermind that she wasn’t anything but supportive when Momo figured out she was a lesbian. Or that she seemed to not have a problem with anyone else being gay. She’d make an exception for him, probably, because they hated each other. Or something.

Shintaro wasn’t actually  _ in the mood _ , but he ends up reopening a tab buried in the contents of his history.  _ Just checking. _ He selects a video he’d watched before, skipping ahead to when the two girls in it actually fuck.

_ … Yep. Definitely like girls. _

“You’re just gonna watch 'em?”

Shintaro nearly jumped. He had actually become sort of absorbed, but didn’t actually… do anything. “A-ah! Ene! Fuck!”

“... Uh, yeah. That sure is what’s happening. This whole watching-porn-without-beating-meat thing is actually starting to freak me out, so kindly stop it, Master.”

“I kinda hate it when you call me that. Especially since  _ you’re _ the one telling  _ me _ what to do.”

“That’s why I do it! Master.”

Shintaro closes the tab. So, he liked girls. That was for sure. He couldn’t be gay if he liked girls. 

“... Seriously, are you OK?” There was genuine concern in her voice.

“What do you care?” He wasn’t in the mood to put up with Ene’s false sympathy.

“We’re neighbors. Roommates. That means we’re like, basically friends. After being forced to watch everything you do for a year, I can tell when you’re acting weird,” She pauses. “Or, especially weird.”

“Isn’t that nice.”

“Master is kind of a creep, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Ok, fine, you wanna know what’s up?” He exhaled. “I found out Konoha was gay yesterday.”

Ene froze.  _ Is that… actual surprise? _ “He’s… what?”

“Yeah. I was surprised too.”

“No, I mean- Oh my God, it all makes  _ sense…! _ Bye.”

Ene promptly disappeared from his computer screen. Normally, he’d be relieved at a situation like this, but he had a lot of questions that Ene probably knew he had and definitely did not want to answer. As things were, he was left alone with his thoughts.

Did he like being around Konoha? Well… yes, he was the closest thing to a best friend he had.

Did he want to know more about him? Also yes, but he was fairly certain  _ everyone _ wanted to know more about him. He was a complete enigma.

Did her care more about what he thought of him than he did what other people thought? Well, he’d probably actually fucking kill himself if Konoha found out half the shit Momo and Ene knew about him, if the embarrassment didn’t kill him first. But then again, if, say, his internet history was released to the entire city, announced with big letters, saying “SHINTARO KISARAGI IS A PERV WITH A HENTAI ADDICTION” … yeah, he’d still be pretty fucking devastated. So, no, it’s not indicative of anything. He did  _ not _ like Konoha, or think he was hot, or anything approaching that.

_ … He was so open about it. Just… saying it. I wish I could be like that. _

_ … Not that it matters! Because, well, I read somewhere that one in five people are gay, and there are ten of us, and we’ve already got… three, accounted for, and sure, maybe the statistic is based on pure bullshit but… _

He decides to stop thinking about it and go to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright that bit about Shintaro being a perv with a hentai addiction doesn't really work in Japanese since hentai is just "pervert" but.  
> I had to use all my energy not to drag this chapter out also I was INCREDIBLY tempted to have him search "am I gay quiz" because let's admit it we've all done it at some point.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written fanfiction in literal years.  
> Anyway, there'll be more chapters. No, I don't have a schedule.


End file.
